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Question:

I just found out about my husband’s affair and now he’s trying to tell me that he’s not sure how or why it happened. He’s telling me that it might have happened because he didn’t feel valued or important in our relationship and that he wanted to add some excitement into his life. And he keeps implying that he was just going through a rough patch in his life. He’s also telling me that since he doesn’t fully understand why the affair happened that it’s almost impossible for him to come up with a list of reasons why he cheated in the first place. And more to this, he says that by continually bringing this up with him every day that it frustrates him and leaves him feeling very discouraged and depressed. He wants me to just let it go instead of dwelling on questions and answers that we might never have. Should I just let it go? Do I really need to understand why my husband cheated on me?

Answer:

It’s a normal feeling for wives to want to know why their husband cheated on them in the first place. However, sometimes no matter how many times their husband goes over the details, they still don’t understand it. And on the same note for your husband, he can be reluctant to explain the affair because he himself might not totally understand why or how it happened and there is going to be times during your talks where he wants you to just let it go. I understand why you’re finding it difficult to understand something that might not have a suitable answer and why you’re also wondering if you should just stop trying and deal with it.

These are really tough questions to answer but I will discuss my opinion with you below:

Why You Need To Understand Why He Cheated:

I really do believe that it’s possible that your husband could be telling his version of the truth about why and how he cheated on you. One of the contributing factors to men and their affairs is that they could simply be running away from their ‘perceived’ problems. So the very fact that he’s avoiding them so aggressively could be a contributing factor to him not being able to give you a list of them right now.

Now is this a good reason for you to just drop it? In my opinion no. Even though he may not fully understand why he cheated, this doesn’t negate your need to understand why. And I can give you some popular explanations that men give for cheating or having an affair. A few will tell you that while they didn’t plan to cheat or have an affair, they found themselves engaging with someone else because they got caught up in feeling appreciated, exploring something new, or enhancing the excitement in their life. This doesn’t mean that any of this was your fault. It could mean that, for whatever reason, they weren’t reaching out to you at the time and someone else was in the right place at precisely the right time.

Often times, men have affairs when they feel like they’re lacking something or not measuring up. So when someone shows them a little attention and makes them feel valued, this feels good to them. Other times, men who cheat are reacting to a personal loss of some kind. Maybe they’ve lost a close family member or friend or possibly they’ve battled a serious illness. In any case, this can sometimes be a ‘life is too short’ wakeup call to them and so they act on their impulses.

Now these reasons may or may not be applicable in your situation. I’m merely trying to provide you with a few ideas to brainstorm over that you can examine as time goes on. The ultimate goal for you here is to learn, comprehend and then tackle any and all problems that may have resulted in the affair. Because if there are any doubts going forward from here, they will bring any progress you’ve made to a screeching hault and destroy your marriage faster than anything else. Recovering from an affair is hard enough, and so its extremely important that you uncover as much as you can so that you aren’t walking around on eggshells worrying that you’ll make the same mistakes again or that your husband is going to go out and cheat on you for a second time.

You May Understand Why It Happened, But You Might Never Understand His Motives And Thought Process

At this juncture,, it’s critical that you affair proof your marriage and really know what lead up to his affair. Although I also feel it’s impractical and extremely difficult to put yourself in your husband’s shoes and completely understand what he did and why he did it. And the main reason it’s hard to do this is because you were the one directly affected by his actions. And so it’s just about impossible for you to be an objective observer in the circumstance. Not only that, often times as victims, we come from a place where we’re thinking things like: “I would never have cheated on you, no matter how bad things were in our marriage..” It’s just human nature and there is nothing wrong with this. Lastly, there are two sides to every story. Even though your husband saw the marriage through one lens, it’s safe to say that you see it through another.

I can’t emphasize enough the importance of looking deep to determine why your husband cheated and then fix those things that led to the affair, I also know that it’s nearly impossible to know every last angle of someone else’s way of thinking or behavior. So, after you’ve done your very best to learn and then resolve the issues, try not to look back too often into the past because it could do more damage while trying to move your marriage forward after the affair.

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Well it's one of those sticky subjects really. What can your lover possibly gain from having an affair with you? The danger of getting caught is always present, as is the risk of getting more emotionally attached than you bargained for, and understanding that they can never replace your other half. It feels like there's not a lot of upside in being the lover, but I suspect it has got subtle edges over long-term conventional relationships.

So here’s my half arsed guide titled – How to be a good mistress (alternately: what's in it for your lover?)

From the perspective of a female lover, the main thing you have to be aware of is that his family is always going to come first. Any Problems in the family unit and you are going to be very much in the shadows for a bit, and often at extremely minimal notice. The thing is, you will never be well placed to command the same level of attention vis a vis time spent with the married man as his family. Hell, perhaps even less than his friends. What you will get is time, and centered time. You have to know before you have got an affair with a married man that you're a mistress, not a girl. Lots of the same activities will take place, and there’s obviously going to be some strong physical and mental connection between the 2 of you. So it can be a way to look into your sexuality without the stress and hang-ups of a full-time man.

One thing you shouldn't do is threaten your lover with a showdown with his spouse. This can make you look like a complete bunny boiler, and you can essentially kiss the arrangement goodbye. Most Smart men will lay down a careful campaign to break your credibility even before you've a chance to make good your threat, making you appear like a mad stalker which has re-surfaced from his past work. (For guys, there’ll be more information on how to do this in other posts and in the podcast when I can get the sodding thing on itunes).

Another thing you've got to avoid is making an attempt to be the boss on where and when you meet. Let him dictate these terms, not for the sake of good old skool misogyny, but for him to substantiate his alibi and make sure that no one who knows him will be in the location you meet.

Pretty needy are not we. Sorry, but we have got a heap to lose, and we need to manage the risks in order to enjoy the rewards. And what are our rewards? Well, your company of course!

Michael Hughes runs a blog about infidelity and his adventures. Visit his how to have an affair website where he details his wayward lifestyle and discusses ways to have an affair and not get caught.

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