The worst thing that can happen in a relationship has happened. He has divulged the horrid details of how he was unfaithful to you. You listened, cried, tried to get a grasp, blamed yourself, and cried some more…and decided finally that you want to forgive and forget his infidelity. But you have no idea how to do this as it seems easier said than done. Dealing with infidelity requires 3 key character changes from him and 1 from you;

1. Pleading guilty! The start of the journey to dealing with infidelity is that he has to confess that what he did was wrong. Dealing with infidelity dictates that he acknowledges that his deed was incorrect and that that the decision he made was wrong when he did what he did. He cannot dismiss it or diminish it otherwise real forgiveness cannot even start. He cannot blame his partner in crime or the short sexy skirt she was wearing. He is not a robot but he has decision making capabilities and he must acknowledge this and that his judgement was faulty. Nothing just happens….infidelity does not just happen…a man crosses a number of bridges to get to that stage. Feelings of attraction do just happen … but betrayal entails acting on that attraction and enthusiastically seeking the recipient of your fascination (knowing full well that you have a partner ) and communicating with her and taking it further and making arrangements to meet and commit the act(or acts). Do not, under any circumstances fall for the “I don’t know how it happened” imaginary tale. It minimizes his role in the whole sordid mess and makes him look like a victim which he definitely is not. And how do you forgive someone who isn’t even to blame?

2. Genuinely sorrowful! Dealing with infidelity requires that your man is truly sorry about his offensive impropriety. This is the kind of remorse that makes him determine that he will never do this again. This is usually the hardest step for a woman to get right. Many women have assumed that a man was contrite about what he did when he was only remorseful that you had caught him. At this stage many women are desperate to believe their man and so tend to fall for even what is plainly a casual admission of guilt. Be true to yourself so that when your womanly intuition indicates to you that he is pulling a fast one over you then you need to act on that feeling.

3. 180 degree turn! It is critical that he comes to the decision that he will completely avoid the route that leads to cheating for a second time…ever! And you must both sit and agree ahead of time what things he can share with other women without being tempted and what he cannot do so that he is never adulterous for a second time. He must bear with you being nosy and asking him questions about anything that you are anxious about in his daily activities. He needs to open his life to you and put himself on a short leash so that you can know with reasonable precision where he is at any given time. In order for him to be worthy of your confidence yet again you must agree on the things he needs to do and those he needs to stop doing….so that as he keeps the various things then your, confidence in him can take root.

4. Give him the opportunity to prove himself! As expected you will be very uncertain and you will be skeptical of all his late office meetings but forgiving infidelity requires you to be rational and not stifle him. Get a grip and do not stalk (disguised as accompanying ) him everywhere he goes. But keep him responsible for the things that he said he would do, to be worthy of your trust.

Dealing with infidelity is a two people job and if either of you does not do their part then genuine forgiveness does not take place. If your relationship continues with infidelity unsolved (or only partially solved) it will be like having an open sore that you continually reopen. You will hurt continuously and all the joy of living will be drained from you! Your self esteem will take a beating and your whole outlook on life will get gradually more cynical; and bitterness and resentment, will take a root in your life.

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