Well it's one of those sticky subjects really. What can your lover possibly gain from having an affair with you? The danger of getting caught is always present, as is the risk of getting more emotionally attached than you bargained for, and understanding that they can never replace your other half. It feels like there's not a lot of upside in being the lover, but I suspect it has got subtle edges over long-term conventional relationships.

So here’s my half arsed guide titled – How to be a good mistress (alternately: what's in it for your lover?)

From the perspective of a female lover, the main thing you have to be aware of is that his family is always going to come first. Any Problems in the family unit and you are going to be very much in the shadows for a bit, and often at extremely minimal notice. The thing is, you will never be well placed to command the same level of attention vis a vis time spent with the married man as his family. Hell, perhaps even less than his friends. What you will get is time, and centered time. You have to know before you have got an affair with a married man that you're a mistress, not a girl. Lots of the same activities will take place, and there’s obviously going to be some strong physical and mental connection between the 2 of you. So it can be a way to look into your sexuality without the stress and hang-ups of a full-time man.

One thing you shouldn't do is threaten your lover with a showdown with his spouse. This can make you look like a complete bunny boiler, and you can essentially kiss the arrangement goodbye. Most Smart men will lay down a careful campaign to break your credibility even before you've a chance to make good your threat, making you appear like a mad stalker which has re-surfaced from his past work. (For guys, there’ll be more information on how to do this in other posts and in the podcast when I can get the sodding thing on itunes).

Another thing you've got to avoid is making an attempt to be the boss on where and when you meet. Let him dictate these terms, not for the sake of good old skool misogyny, but for him to substantiate his alibi and make sure that no one who knows him will be in the location you meet.

Pretty needy are not we. Sorry, but we have got a heap to lose, and we need to manage the risks in order to enjoy the rewards. And what are our rewards? Well, your company of course!

Michael Hughes runs a blog about infidelity and his adventures. Visit his how to have an affair website where he details his wayward lifestyle and discusses ways to have an affair and not get caught.

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